A glimpse at Kuro's Mind

So, on this fine night, dunno how we came to talk about it, but the subject of the Apocalypse wiggle it's little arse inside our conversation.

Now before you read the rest of this post, be aware that my little brother (of 13) uses the term 'box' as in boxing the sport where other men throttle each other in the ring. He also uses the term 'playboy', but you'll see what I mean...

So, on this fine conversation he turns to me and says:

"What do you think the Apocalypse is?"

I turned to him, with a frankly blank stare and said "No idea, never thought about it"

So, in turn, the brat turns to me and says, and I quote:

"The Apocalypse is when, God opens up the clouds, looks down and gives a full out 'box', then looks at the destruction and says: 'You lose, playboy'"

So you can clearly see why I'm literally ROFL right now.

I am, once again, looking for a job. This is, without a doubt, the most aggravating task of all!!!! On one side we have the rest of the family going "get a f*ng job you lazy arse" on the other, we have the employers going "we don't need your skills now" and in between  them? A blank sheet of paper that you must fill so as to get selected for an interview for a job I might never get!!!

So there I am, filling it with personal information abour myself, my skills and so on and on and on. And in comes the question: What is your purpose?

Honestly, I have no idea what they want people to fill that with! I was tempted to write "My purpose is to get this job so I don't have to hear anyone whinning about me playing games when I go home." or even "I want this job so I can be independant." Not I'm not independant already but it's the principle of the thing you know?

Another thing, which purpose are they talking about? I was also tempted to write "My purpose is to win about $55,000.00 a month while writting stories for teens and children." There are so many purposes one must define daily. I wonder if it was the same about 50 years ago (the time I was supposed to be born in accourding to my mother).

Went out today! That in itself is some sort of miracle since I HATE going out. Specially if I don't have any money, which, fortunately, wasn't the case today (of course, having a credit card helps). So I went to the every-Sunday Asian Fair in another neighbourhood (of course, living where I live everywhere is sort of close so it only took us about half an hour to get there) that's purely Asiatic - hence the fair.

Problem was, it was pouring, all day long! and not the thin kind which you could ignore, it was thick, fat drops the size of my pinky nail! That's the problem with Summer in Brazil, it pours at least once every week, that when it's not raining the whole week, but never mind that.

Anyway, getting there, we were surrounded by Otakus, the most weird one a guy with a Itachi cosplay (from Naruto), and a Tsukino Usagi A.K.A. Sailor moon with the real odangos (that weird hairstyle the character uses). It was like a scene straight from a doujinshi* with those weird people playing childish games... weirded me out! Baring that it was a relatively nice day, we (as in my cousin, her boyfriend and I) ate seafood, Takoyaki, lychee black tea, melon ice cream - and I will personally kill whoever says that melon ice-cream is bad - and so on.

My surprise came a while later when it was time to go. my cousin's boyfriend - who we shall call Mr. H - refused to take the tube back home! Not that we were going home that early, it was barely 6pm. So he paid for our cab to the nearest Starbucks, which is inside one of my fav malls in SP**. Needless to say Starbucks was the last place we visited! =__= first he insisted we visit Hagen-Das (and I know the spelling is wrong, deal with it!), then to buy a game he was dying to buy age ago (Monopoly anyone?) And we had to play - not that there was many objections mind - in the middle of the coffee shop... yes, it was awkward, yes, it was weird, but we did have a lot of fun! (Even involved the working crew in it!) on the way back, Mr. H refused to walk, again, and so another cab!

Bet the bill was around 80,00

*Doujinshi is the same as Fanfiction in the Manga World
**The city I live in São Paulo - Brazil.

This actually happened about a week ago, but it's still on my mind, so I decided to write about it.

My dear, 16 year old cousin, told me last week that she had experimented with ecstasy, by taking one pill together with her boyfriend (who also took one) and four other people. I'm not judging or even trying to be righteous. It just stuck me as something she wouldn't have done a year ago.

I'm also aware that people grow up, some to be stupid, others bitter and some bullies. Can't help but feel she's falling into the stupid category. Wonder if it's because she's a teenager... maybe, maybe not. Anyhow I hope she grows out of the stupid section sometime in the near future.

I trully hate being a woman sometimes.

All this dreaded hormones, all the pressure... Pressure? what pressure say you? Of living in this house, with my family. Expecting to be a housewife, perfect working daughter and understanding sister to her delinquent of a brother.

Mother wants me to work, to archieve this, or that. I want it too. But the way she makes me feel like I'm some kind of laid back lazy person with no goals, eats me. It's a form of guilt and bashing, not to mention some emotional trauma, that reminds me of my dad sometimes. At those times I can't help but feel they were made for each other.

As you can probably tell I am PMSing, hell, with these mood swings I can tell I'm PMSing. Thank God no one else notices. Doesn't change the fact that I'm feeling more than I am used to, that all of it HURTS more than I'm used to allowing myself to fell. And it hurts, everytimes I look at them I feel the urge to strangle my brother until he faints. It hurts to restrain those urges.

I hurts that no one can understand it. I don't have any real friends, I'm paranoid enough to have a mild relationship with a few acquaintances only. I tried once to reveal my darker side to a person, needless to say I never tried again, never found a person who could or would be willing to understand what I feel.

I thought of going to a therapist once or twice, but again, I'm paranoid enough NOT to do so.